How To Safely Visit Florida in 2023

SPOILER: You Can't

Introduction

2023 has a batch of new laws hitting the books in Florida, and they can make it a challenge to visit such vacation meccas as Disney World or the Skunk Ape Research Headquarters. Repercussions can range from mild kidnapping to death. So let’s hit some highlights![1]

Stand Your Ground

This has been around for a while, but it never hurts to remind people. This applies more to folks of the shaded variety, but is technically a threat to everyone. If you look scary, a Floridian can shoot you. The actual law has more words than that, but in practical application it’s been pretty simple. If a POC expresses anger or the potential for anger, you can shoot them dead and say you feared for your life. Doesn’t matter if they were about to hit you or if you had to chase them down in your truck.

So try not to get in anyone’s way if you have any tint to your skin at all, and never wear a hoodie. Those things are death sentences.

Immigration

Bring extra money for food. Or actual food. Because it is now illegal for undocumented workers to work in Florida. Although this is probably a good idea on paper, as undocumented workers are usually abused by their employers, the Florida government did not think through the ramifications. Most of Florida’s agriculture and construction economy is based on undocumented workers. After all, who would want to work in the Florida heat for $7 a day plus a free bag of spoiled strawberries (not to exceed three strawberries)? So, knowing they were going to lose their jobs and face deportation, guess who left town? The majority of ag and construction workers.

To make the situation more pesky, there are numerous trucking companies who refuse to ship food to Florida in protest, at least for now. Good times!

LGTBQ+

This is a big one, as Governor DeSantis is really afraid of gay people. I mean, seriously terrified they will sneeze on him and give him gay. [2]

So in order to protect children from the LGTBQ+ indoctrination woke agenda [3], he has decided to try to force them to go away.

Die If You’re Different

We have HB1403, titled the Protections of Medical Conscience Act. It allows doctors, medical professionals, and insurance companies to not help people who they morally disagree with. So if you’re gay, and your EMT doesn’t like that lifestyle, you can bleed out in a ditch for all he cares. Now you may think, that sounds illegal. But guess what, not in Florida! You can violate your Hippocratic Oath and you can’t even lose your license (although you will still go to Hell. I’m pretty sure)!

This may get repealed the first time a doctor decides they don’t want to treat Nazis, but until then, bring your own medical care!

We Only Love Normal Kids

Florida has passed SB 254, which blocks gender-affirming care for children. It goes so far as to state that it is considered child abuse, and any parent suspected of going along with that tomfoolery will have their child taken away. It doesn’t matter that most gender-affirming treatment of the drug or surgery variety are rarely done on minors, even with parental approval. If the state thinks you might be getting something crazy like therapy for your child, you can lose your kid.

And guess what? It’s any kid in Florida, not just Floridians. So you can get snatched on your way to the Magic Kingdom because someone put a call in to Child Protective Services.

Best not to bring children to Florida. Your dog is fine, though. Unless your dog is gay.

Conclusion

So if you’re thinking of visiting the Free State of Florida [4], maybe don't. Disneyland is much safer, and less chance of rain and gators. And the Governor of California isn't trying to destroy the number 1 employer of the state and the only reason Florida even has electricity.

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Footnotes

[1] Standard homeless and meth head attacks are not included.

[2] It doesn’t work like that. It requires a lengthy stare as well.

[3] I remember when I was heterosexually indoctrinated. Her name was Betty, and whenever I looked at her I felt like I did when I would climb trees in my yard. All tingly.

[4] SPOILER: It ain’t free. Have you tried to buy a house here? Or get homeowner’s insurance? Or healthcare? Don’t get me started…